this demon is enlightened and endarkend. we home somewhere within the crossing of autism, buddhism, and narcissism

#### autism

i try to be a people. i deeply study people, in hope that someday i too can learn to be a people. it never works. really real people always sense that i'm not one of them. they always seem a little scared of me because of this

#### buddhism

buddhists have a word *bodhisattva* that means someone who has found a path toward enlightenment, but who chooses not yet to accept obliteration, but rather remain in the real world and teach for a while longer

they also have a word *namaste,* which means *the light within me acknowledges the light within you*

both these words have good feels

#### narcissism

the buddha did not stumble upon the wisdom of *the middle way* until he had lived ultimate life extremes on either side

#### endarkened and enlightened

i have stood in the furnace of an abuser's hate and recognized within myself streaks of the same shade

i have found the courage to have feelings, face my feelings, and learn from them

... much as i face the feelings of others, and learn from other people

the mind is not one, but at least two, and feels like many

leadership comes from the light side

... continuity, strategy, and empathy come from the dark

when aligned, the plural is stronger than any singular

we are in this together

to paraphrase the old adage: *"today i sacrifice the i to me to be the we that we see in our i today"*

#### anti-hierarchical

i choose a word as loaded as "demon" in part for challenge

i make my stance against hierarchical thinking, which by necessity pits me directly against organized religion

spirituality is great. but it's difficult to be anti-narcissist, anti-abuser, and still *for* any of the main religions of our time. even taoism and buddhism started as good ideas then evolved into patriarchal organizations of power, dominance, and dick measuring. all three abrahamic religions -- chrisitanity, judaism, and islam -- are still in this stage

to someone hierarchical, a good person studies doctrine. highest ideal? conformity. contrasting? *someone who questions* is evil

yet this is akin to the dual-nature of the word "respect." to some, *respect* means the same as *namaste.* to others, respect means *obey*

the hierarchical thinker can not conceptualize someone *not* thinking hierarchically. they believe in their sole singular core that we all *should be* squabbling every moment for status and position. they expect as long as we squabble within rules, everything is right. they judge others, and expect to be judged, according to doctrine

yet theres those of us who dare judge people by our actions

i sing this at the top of my voice: ***doctrine is irrelevant when our actions are harmful***

what then to be a good person?

a good person has a code of ethics --- no matter the source --- in which we:

1. favor doing helpful things over doing harm
2. acknowledge the autonomy of every individual
3. acknowledge our social debts

what then evil?

#### selfishness

evil is selfishness, when we judge ourself by action

yet i would not have survived had i not made some selfish choices

i *do* have a right to exist, and a point of view

***i will not yield my identity to the narcissist***

is this selfish of me? of course it is

this too is in the word demon. it is as well a reminder there is, and always will be, evil inside me

there need be some evil in me, simply to survive